I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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