just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
