There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's rum buckets o'clock
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
