I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
