We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just pee around me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
