today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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