i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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