The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize