so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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