The best revenge is premature balding
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize