man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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