And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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