Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
