So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
