are you so shy because you have an std?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
