I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
