Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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