i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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