Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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