she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize