the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
