i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The adults are the big ones right?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
