I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
