Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We are all done wearing pants today
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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