i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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