I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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