dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
