She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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