i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
