i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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