my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
