you guys were way drunker than both of me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
