OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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