Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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