I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
