toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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