What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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