Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
