I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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