one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize