Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
