If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
