he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
