meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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