Already got asked if we're dating
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
