oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
