The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
