Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Come see our sink grown plant.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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