remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
