So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
