I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
