Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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