You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
