all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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