i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
