How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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