I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
