I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
