Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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