sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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